Caller ID

I had a message on my phone yesterday, at first glance I thought it was from you, and my heart skipped. I snatched my phone up with trembling hands, tasting the bitter disappointment when I realised that I had been wrong – again, that it wasn’t your name on my screen, it was only some marketing junk email.

I was flooded with shame, for wanting it to be you, even though I know it never will be; anger, at myself for getting my hopes up again; and confusion, at your actions the last time we saw each other.

I didn’t imagine the way you looked at me, after all, I wore that dress with you in mind. I wanted you to notice me, just once, outside of my normal role as mother. You looked at me and smiled. At me. Why would you do that? You know I like you. When I approached you later you completely blew me off. I don’t know where I stand with you anymore.

Here is what I do know. I like you. More than you like me. I know I have to let you go, I have to ignore every fibre of my being that is screaming to wait for you. I have to find a way back to my life before, where I didn’t hyperventilate anytime someone mentioned your name. Will it be easy? No. Is it necessary? Yes. I can’t keep doing this to myself, this cycle of hoping and regretting and hoping again. It is not good for me.

With this in mind, I deleted your phone number from my phone, and removed your email address from my records.

I have cried all I had for you.

Be happy xx