Insecurities

My inner ramblings at 2am following a bad night some time ago…Possibly something to include into my next book.

The tower I have built for myself is lonely, suffocating even. What started as a barrier against hurt has become my prison. I have endured a life full of abuse and indifference, and soon learnt to barricade myself against the cruelty of the people closest to me. Brick by brick I built a wall to surround myself, to protect myself, and later, my son. Each snide remark, each hateful comment, every cruel act directed at me became the very cement to fortify my wall. And now I am trapped in a suffocating prison of my own design. On one hand I want to tear this wall down, to finally be free to be my real self, but on the other hand, the thought terrifies me. I know that it is not healthy, to cut myself off from everything and everyone, that it is surely as dangerous as poison, and yet, it is safe. In order to tear down this wall, I know that I will have to relive everything, to finally feel it all, and then let it go. I am not sure that I can do that, I worry that the feelings will be too much, that they will engulf me.