Insecurities

My inner ramblings at 2am following a bad night some time ago…Possibly something to include into my next book.

The tower I have built for myself is lonely, suffocating even. What started as a barrier against hurt has become my prison. I have endured a life full of abuse and indifference, and soon learnt to barricade myself against the cruelty of the people closest to me. Brick by brick I built a wall to surround myself, to protect myself, and later, my son. Each snide remark, each hateful comment, every cruel act directed at me became the very cement to fortify my wall. And now I am trapped in a suffocating prison of my own design. On one hand I want to tear this wall down, to finally be free to be my real self, but on the other hand, the thought terrifies me. I know that it is not healthy, to cut myself off from everything and everyone, that it is surely as dangerous as poison, and yet, it is safe. In order to tear down this wall, I know that I will have to relive everything, to finally feel it all, and then let it go. I am not sure that I can do that, I worry that the feelings will be too much, that they will engulf me.

One Comment

  1. Mary

    Dismantling that wall can be frightening, but doing so doesn’t have to mean reliving all the terrible things that caused you to wall yourself off. I overcame something terrible that had happened to me, but came to realize that my fears and worries were causing me to still be controlled by what had happened to me. I also came to the realization that I was punishing myself over this. A friend gave me a booklet on Psalm 91, and told me that I could not control everything to protect myself, in fact it would harm me in the long run. I started reading and meditated on the readings in Psalm 91 and worked on turning my fears, worries and burdens over to God. It took awhile, but after some time, one night while praying and handing my burdens over to God (I would visualize myself placing a box in the hands of God), that my mind didn’t start racing with worries as it usually did. I felt a sense of peace and confidence. All I can add is dismantling that wall doesn’t leave you defenseless, you can trust your gut instinct on people and things and take your time in all things. But if you are willing, turn to God, talk to Him about what you are going through. I will pray for you.

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